Rom 1:32 Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.
We know that abusers are never wrong. The kind we deal with here. Even when they admit some wrong or blame, they don’t really believe it. It’s just a sham to further deceive others. “But he said he is sorry.” It’s like a line I heard in Iron Man 2 recently – “I’m sorry. It was your fault, but I’m sorry.”
All this evidences to me that these kind of people have a disconnected circuit in their brain. Oh, don’t cut them any slack due to some physical glitch in their brain. This doesn’t excuse them at all. In fact, the disconnect I am talking about is, I theorize, the very product of their ongoing lying sin.
Let me illustrate:
If you talk to someone whose life is a train wreck and that wreck has obviously been caused by their own doing (alcohol/drug abuse, slothfulness, lying, abusing others, etc) you will often find that they seem absolutely blind to the cause and effect. That is to say, they will not acknowledge to themselves or to anyone that the reason their life is the disaster that it is is the result of their own doing. “My wife is divorcing me, but I don’t know why. She is just so hateful and refuses to forgive me even when I have said I am sorry. I mean, I’m not perfect but neither is she.” All this from a man who has committed multiple adulteries, kept his wife in economic poverty, lied about her to friends and relatives, and so on. But he will NOT connect his wicked actions to the effect: the demise of his marriage and family.
You will see it in prison inmates quite often. Here they are, convicted felons, and yet what is the reason? Everyone told lies about them. It was a rigged court. The judge was prejudiced. The cops were out to get me. And on and on it goes. They will NOT acknowledge that the reason they are behind bars is because of their own crimes.
1Jn 1:10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
This is one reason that lying is such a horrid sin. We must deal with it in our children VERY early on in their lives – as soon as we see it evidenced. They must be taught to connect their sin with the consequences and not get away with making excuses or telling lies. Because if we let them persist in a lying pattern they are building a real fortress in their mind that may be impossible to be demolished in years to come.
Local churches are supposed to be…..well, let Paul tell it:
1Ti 3:15 if I delay, you may know how one ought to behave in the household of God, which is the church of the living God, a pillar and buttress of the truth.
The temple of God – which is what we who are in Christ are – is to be a pillar of truth. Truth is to be in the air we breathe, it’s light is to shine all around us. Local churches must be places where lies are exposed, not enabled and covered up. We must cultivate the Spirit’s urging in us that the father of lies is not going to be permitted to sit in the pews with us. Because if we permit lies to parade as truth, if we permit liars to come in among us disguised as sheep, then we are going to encourage this circuit breaking in the minds of others, especially in the minds of the young.
Thank you for this excellent teaching!! This certainly is the very heart of the problem. I do not understand why some people prefer to continue lying rather than submit to the truth, even when the clear consequences of continuing to lie are destruction and loss, and the clear rewards of submission to the truth are life and love.
It is the problem of Cain: why didn’t he WANT to submit to God, and live? Why did he love his sin so much, even unto death? Why didn’t he prefer the truth, life and love? The reason seems to be inner perversity. It is so truly horrifying.
It has been shattering for me to discover perversity in family members, whose refusal to be honest has made relationship with them impossible. They have remained impervious to changing despite my best efforts to appeal to both their reason and emotions. I cannot reach them.
I pray to God fervently that He brings one of my children to her senses. I agree with you that severe consequences for lying from the very start are essential. I recall reading that Robert Hare, expert on psychopaths, said that the best that can be done for such people is to reward good behavior and punish bad.
I am so thankful for your blogs and your online church ministry. Your thoughts and teachings are so helpful to me. Thank you, and may God bless you!
And Thank you!!!! Good words.
What are we to do when we know of these beings, but their wives do not really understand or realize it yet, and the wives and children are long time good friends of me and my children?
Where2or3r – could you explain your question a bit more? I am not sure I understand what you are asking.
In the Domestic Violence and Abuse sermon audio series, you point out that many women do not realize for years what is being done to them by their abusive husbands. What are some ways to support and be friends with a wife and mother in that situation, and yet not validate the abusive husband to others by our association? How do we maintain our integrity and be a supportive friend in the meantime, since confronting the husband (who has the reputation as a godly husband and father) would result in his cutting off her friends who could help if the time comes that she asks for it?
Thank you where2or3r – It is a very difficult situation this. It can be very frustrating to try to help abuse victims sometimes because the reality is that until THEY have their eyes opened to what is happening to them, not a lot of help can be provided them. I have seen cases where the victim never does acknowledge the abuse and in fact turns on the people who tried to help her, embracing her abuser instead. We put copies of my books in the clinic where my wife works and patients take them, sometimes without saying anything. You might be able to have such books around your home or at church. But in the end, I would say that you can only remain silent for so long. You won’t be able to indefinitely say nothing to her and you don’t want, as you say, to validate the husband’s evil. You may just have to speak to her and if it results for the time being in her staying clear of you, then that is how it will be – for now.
where2or3r,
I agree with Pastor that it is a difficult situation. Until she recognizes at least in part the situation she is in, she may not see what you tell her as helpful and pull away.
And while it may not be best to bluntly talk with her, sometimes one can still give information to victims in the form of questions rather than statements. For example, instead of saying, “Your husband is mean to you.” you could say, “How do you feel when your husband says xyw to you?” Other questions could include, “Do you feel safe when he acts like that? “Does he ever apologize for acting like that?” “Does he act the same in public as he does in private?” These and similar questions may plant a seed, so to speak, and help the victim thinking differently about her situation.
For me personally, I had a very supportive couple that I know saw how my abuser was before I did. Until I started to question my marriage, they never told me what to do or forced information at me. But as I started questioning aspects of my marriage and my abuser, they supported me with prayer, information, and practical help. They gave me what I needed as I needed it. How did they know what I needed when at times I didn’t even know what I needed? I think that was God and the leading of His Spirit.
Thank you; your insights and suggestions are appreciated.